I recently received a fancy-wrapped gift from a dear friend, which wasn’t anything I ever expected. However, it reminded me of a story I heard as a child.
Once upon a time, there were two children. Each was given a golden key and asked to make a wish. Then, they were led down a hallway and told to choose a door that led to what they believed would grant their wish.
When the children opened their doors, they discovered that each room was filled, six feet high, with crap. The first child threw down the key, slammed the door, and stomped back down the hall. The second dove right in and began digging away, hand over hand. “With all this crap, my pony must be in here somewhere!” she said.
I have to admit that I have been in a crappy mindset lately. Yep, me—the highly trained coach, the wife of a brilliant, supportive, and loving man, and the mother of great kids. Yet, despite my many blessings, I was feeling like an impostor in my own life.
A friend texted me why she was thankful for me. She must have sent this to me. Maybe she meant to send it to someone else? So I texted her back, and yep, she meant it.
I’ve had a sinking feeling that I’m not quite good enough for decades. So these are the main ways I’ve tried to keep everyone (including myself) snowed:
1. Being perfect. Trying to be the ultimate college student put me in the hospital with exhaustion during my first year. Trying to be the perfect coach made me feel like I had to have all the answers when really, my clients have all the answers; I am just good at asking the questions that unpack and dust off the insight and wisdom that was right there the whole time. It also caused me not to tell people when I was struggling, even my best friend, whom I recently talked to about it. (That led to all kinds of deep conversations and a beautifully wrapped gift that you will see at the end of this article.)
2. Blending in. This is an amusing one. If you have met me, seen me speak, or bumped into me at a conference, you know that I don’t blend in. I am almost six feet tall, with about a million freckles. My favorite color is red; I laugh loudly and change my hair color like some people change socks. Trying to be invisible was like sticking a round peg into a square hole. It hurt.
3. Blaming others. I have blamed a long list of people, events, organizations, and companies for my life, career, and relationships at different times. I will do some of that again. But when I am in blame mode, what I am doing is squishing my emotions way down inside. Those same emotions are bound to pop up again, like a beach ball you have attempted to hold underwater. The further down you keep them, the higher they will pop up when they are finally released. I have popped several times.
4. Belittling myself. This is an easy trap for women to get sucked into: The kids come first, the job; the husband; or the parents. At some point, I had to take a clear-eyed look at what I was tolerating. Then I had to choose my non-negotiables and stick with them. After that, I can tough it out, wait until things are calmer/better/more prosperous, and do what I truly want. I followed other people’s advice, put my big girl panties on, and muscled through situations. These were people I saw as having more experience than me, more successful, or who had it all together. Indeed if I listened to the experts, surely I would start to feel better about myself. Still, all I really did was get blinded by their tail lights. The light I was looking for was within the whole time. I know it sounds woo-woo, but I’m clear now that my gift is helping people find their own inner light. I don’t always understand where this gift comes from or even how it works, but I’ve seen it work too many times to hide it or run from it anymore.
5. Being Busy. I have spent lots of dollars on programs, coaches, clothing, hairstylists, personal trainers, and such, all so I could feel like I had made it. Although I must admit, I love certificates, awards, ribbons, and such. All the homework from all the programs kept me busy and were things I could check off a list, but that kept me buried, safe, and small. I finally clued to the fact that all those times I got published or received sincere thank-yous from clients weren’t a fluke; I have what it takes to do the work I do, be the person I am, and create the life I want. But that clarity came from inside me, not from a certificate.
6. Being in control. OK, this tactic only made me look like, act like, and become a bitch at times. Have you ever seen someone who needs to control everyone around them every minute of the day, trying to set everything up to be perfect, then falling apart when the outcome is not what they wanted? Yep, that was me. I have badgered others to be a certain way and act a certain way. I thank my kids for helping me break this awful habit – bossing people around doesn’t work when you have middle schoolers! LOL
(BTW, I still struggle with this in the kitchen…and that is okay.)
Here’s what I know now:
- That you don’t have to be perfect to have a great life.
- My struggles are essential to get through because they make me better able to serve and support others. As my wise friend, Madeline Eno says, “Your poop is very fertile ground for what you want to grow into.”
Now, about that beautifully wrapped gift from my friend. It was a toilet bowl brush. Not just any ole toilet bowl brush, but the fanciest, most expensive version money can buy. The card said, “Keep looking for the pony!” It reminds me to be gentle with myself as I continue my journey to find the pony. Thank you, Laura Morales; I feel fancy and loved!
